Wednesday, March 27, 2013

It's All In Your Head

It's the mention. The pure mention of the thing. The thing that sets me off, irritates my brain, and scratches my soul. Uh oh. Oh no. I know that word or action will eat me up. I know it will come now, so I just wait.
It's the tingling. The uncomfortable tingling in the tips of my fingers and core of my stomach. Here it comes. I know this is it. This is the beginning of the process. It's just the beginning.
It's the flashes. The flashes that send me back to the worst cases. The worst times. The worst triggers, the worst attacks, the worst associations to this issue. They all flash through my head and make it hard to breathe. "It's all in your head..."
It's the pain. The pain in my stomach, the uncomfortable numbness. The worried eyes. The hot and cold flashes. The inability to sit still. Constantly worried, constantly tapping my feet, fidgeting my fingers, rocking back and forth. "It's all in your head..."
It's the seeking. The seeking for help from someone trustworthy. "I don't feel very well." Damn, I hate saying that. It just makes it worse. It's affirming the illness. Affirming the pain. But it can't be real. "It's all in your head..."
It's the remembering. Well, last time I actually got sick, I was wearing this. Last time, I ate this. Last time, I was shivering like this.Last time, my stomach did that. Last time, I slept on this side. "It's all in your head."
It's the accuracy. Wow, this feels real. This is it. It's happening. I don't know what to do. What can I do? "It's all in your head."
It's the resources. If I eat this, I will feel better. If I lay like this, the pain will go away. If I try to clear my mind, it will all go away. "It's all in your head."
STOP.
It's not real. It's all in my head. It's not the time. It's all in my head. It's because of that mention. It's all in my head. I'm fine. It's all in my head.
I'm fine. It's all in my head.


Some people handle anxiety better than others. Some people don't have it as bad as others. This is my process. This is what happens and goes through my head. It's what keeps me up at night. It's what constantly worries me. Some people have anxiety attacks based on traumatic events, social anxiety, or obsessive compulsive. I have my attacks based on a phobia. I have emetophobia, which is the fear of vomiting. It may sound stupid, but this anxiety has eaten me alive. It's the littlest mention or thought of the thing that sets me off. I've gotten better, but it was really bad for a while. It was happening on a daily basis. I mean, I'm afraid of a normal bodily function. It's hard to not hear about it.
I hope you never have to deal with anxiety, because it is truly terrifying. Your brain can do crazy things. It can make the pain feel so real.
But it's not. It's all in your head.

~ Lia Rose 3/27/13

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

2011



~ Lia Rose, December 2011

Balance

Being a part of something bigger than myself.
Walking down the hallway with a group of people.
Driving along with a pack of cars.
Running with a group of people in gym class.
Group hugs.
Laughing at the same time as everyone else.
Swaying with the wind.
A chain of people holding hands.
Singing along with a group of people.
Having seen the same picture on Tumblr.
Crying with others.
Having the same taste in music.
Being a part of something bigger than myself.

Being myself.
Smiling.
Having to explain concepts/ideas/truths to people.
Jamming out without caring who is watching.
Observing people that seem interesting.
Laughing at inappropriate times.
Finding new music that none of my friends know about.
Standing in sprinklers in the middle of college campuses for long periods of time.
Hugging without words, but making sure they know it means "Everything will be okay. I love you unconditionally."
Meeting new people.
Enjoying attention.
Accepting the flaws.
Being myself.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

I'm Sorry For Not Being Sorry

I'm sorry for staring.
I'm sorry for caring.
I'm sorry for ever telling you how I feel.
I'm sorry thinking about you during every meal.
I'm sorry that you lied.
I'm sorry that I cried.
I'm sorry for annoying you with a text.
I'm sorry for wondering what comes next.
I'm sorry calling you that one day.
I'm sorry for smiling at you when you look the other way.
I'm sorry for reminiscing.
I'm sorry for all the kissing.
I'm sorry that this love is so rare.
I'm sorry for always being there.

I can't help loving you. If I could choose a love, it definitely wouldn't be you. But you make me smile and you make me laugh. I've never been able to just let go and give someone my all. You make it so easy, you don't even know. You say it's so complicated, but that's all in your head. I don't know what it is, but it's bumming me out. It would be so fun, it would be so free. I never want to be away from you, you're just so special. I can't believe you don't see how you are so beautiful. You're SO beautiful. You know I think so. There's no doubt in my head that you're not the one. The one guy who can take it all away. All the stress and hate and hurt. You make me feel special and happy. I can't help it. I wish I could apologize for it all. All the words we've exchanged. I wish I didn't mean it, but I do. I'm sorry... but I'm not sorry. I can't help loving you.

~ Lia Rose 3/25/13

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I Don't Understand

I don't understand, please explain.
That makes no sense, why complain?
The way people glare, 
The way people stare, 
The way people are so rude, 
And give others so much attitude. 
So what if he's gay?
So what if the things they say
Challenge your ideas and attempt to stretch your mind?
You may discover something you wouldn't otherwise find. 
So what if she's clumsy and trips over her own feet?
So what if you may not enjoy the same things they eat?
Our minds were made to expand and broaden and grow
So that we can learn things we don't know. 
If you cannot learn to accept the way others live their life, 
Please explain to me so we can resolve this strife.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Memories

I know it's not just me,
I can't be me.
The memories, the flashes, the falls, the crashes.
One minute I'm beautiful,
The next I'm trash.
But that's how life works, man.
Opinions, opinions, all different and then
They decide on one thing, only to change it again.
Sometime I feel the pain rushing through my veins,
Others it's just there. Lingering.
A flash and BAM!
It's all right there.
No triggers, no warning.
It's just not fair.

~ Lia Rose, 2012

Monday, March 11, 2013

Stolen

I'm going back, I'm going back again.
Don't let me go there and be there, 'cause then
I'll start having feelings, I'll start taking time
To think about what used to be mine.
I used to have a boyfriend, two best friends, two dogs.
I used to wear punk clothes and ate like a hog.
A grandpa, a heart,
and a nice body for a start.
Now it's all gone,
But the thing for which I long
Isn't the friends, the clothes,
The boyfriend with a button nose.
It's the heart I want, the heart I'll take
Over anything, for it's the heart that makes
The love I give for the people I miss.
But that was stolen along with a kiss.

~ Lia Rose, July 2012

Saturday, March 9, 2013

For The Hurting - It's Not Your Turn

I have my faults, everyone does,
But I smile and carry on because
You know you can't be perfect, you know it can't be done.
I know I say that a lot, but I'm not the only one.
You try, you try, you try again,
You cry, you cry, you cry and then
You pull up your chin, smile, and say:
"It's okay that it didn't work out that way."
I've made mistakes, yes, quite a few,
But come on, I mean that's nothing new.
I've cheated, I've lied, I've stolen, I've cried,
People have told me it'd be better if I just died.
"No way," I'd say,
People need me to be okay.
Being strong is a hard thing to learn,
But believe me when I say, it's not your turn.
To be the one to give no more kisses,
To be the one everyone misses.
Your heart is strong and your head is in the right place.
Now just take some deep breaths and set your own pace.
Your body is your own, your mind is a maze
That can lead you into a very dark haze.
Everyone goes through good times and bad,
But it's not your turn to go mad.
If you ever doubt yourself, just look up at the stars.
I love you unconditionally, regardless of the scars.

~ Lia Rose, July 2012

Friday, March 8, 2013

Who Am I?

I know who I want to be,
But I'm struggling with me.
I laugh, I cry,
I accept, I try.
But don't worry about me, I'm just trying to be
Someone I'm not, but someone I see.
In my dreams, on the screen,
And I know just what they mean.
They're telling me "This is what you love, this is who you are!"
But sometimes it seems way too far.
Far away from the truth, far away from what is real.
I think about it day and night, for every meal.
I'll sit there, smiling, playing along with the crowd,
Sitting there, knowing my parents are proud.
Yet this isn't her, this isn't the one!
This transformation is not quite done.
The clothes have changed, the handwriting, too.
Almost everything I do is shiny and new.
"Am I done, am I done?" I wonder every day.
No, of course not. But I'm headed the right way.

~ Lia Rose, July 2012

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Times Like These

It's times like these when I feel hopeless.
Hopeless isn't the right word.
Maybe helpless.
That doesn't describe it, though.
Useless.
But that's not it.
Definitely flabbergasted.
Wow, that was dorky.
Happy?
Too simple.
Energized.
But I'm still so tired.
Exuberant!
No.
Fulfilled.
I'm getting close, I promise.
I feel complete.
It's times like these when I'm speechless.
It's times like these when I know I'm in love.

~Lia Rose 1/14/13

Please


Please think more deeP

Please understand how I feeL

Please don’t leave mE

Please, with eyes as blue as the seA

Please give me one last kisS

Please, tell me if you love mE

~ Lia Rose 6/21/11

I Wonder


I wonder why you ever liked me,
         
I wonder why we even met,
         
I wonder why you were so shy,
         
I wonder why you always took their side,
         
I wonder how much you even cared,
         
I wonder why you broke my heart,
         
I wonder where we will end up,
         
And I wonder why I ever fell for you in the first place.

~ Lia Rose 6/21/11

Unlovable?

"Why doesn't he love me?"
That's all we ask.
"What's wrong with me?"
That's all we ask.
"Am I unlovable?"
That's all we ask.
We never stop to think about how we don't love everyone. There are people out there who have liked us, but whom we haven't liked in return. This is just the reverse. They don't love everyone. It's okay that not everyone is in love with you. We pride ourselves on what others think of us, especially the ones we like. It's okay to be different, it's okay to be you.
Not everyone is going to love you and that's okay.
Just wake up the next morning and say, "Hey, it's a new day."

~ Lia Rose, February 2013

Who Cares?

I know I care,
I know you care.
Smiling may be a mask,
But it doesn't have to be.
I know what would make me happy,
But what about you?
That pretty face, that kind warm heart.
You have to care,
Your acting skills aren't the best.
That happiness wasn't fake,
We weren't on a stage.
You'd never lie to me,
I know.
I know you care,
I know you're not fake,
I know you wouldn't lie.
You're so beautiful to me,
I know you.
I know the real you.
And I'll just keep telling myself this until it's actually true.

~ Lia Rose 3/6/13

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Are You Okay?

I've run out of things to say
When people ask me if I'm okay.
Sometimes I smile and say "Yeah, I'm fine."
But other times I lose my mind.
I'll break down in tears and scream "No no no!"
And I'll feel like there's nowhere to go.
Then I'll sit up straight and realize
There's so much more pain in your eyes.
I'm sitting here crying about nowhere to go,
While you're the one with a recently broken home.
"I'm thankful," I'll say
And push my tears away.
Please, wrap your arms around me
And just come be.
You're a beautiful person,
You'll never have to be lonesome.
You can cry on my shoulder,
Please don't forget that as we get older.
I need you and you need me,
The crying makes that easy to see.
Please try to smile and don't let it fade
Even if the sky has turned to a different shade.
I'm okay, I'm okay, you need this more
Than if someone has simply called me a whore.
My arms are open for your embrace,
It will take the tears off of both of our face.
I love you very much and all I ask of you
Is give me a smile and say: "I love you, too."

~ Lia Rose 7/15/12

19 Things I Love About You

I love your smile, your hair,
The way you sit in your chair,
Your laugh, your jokes,
The way you tickle me with pokes,
Your fingers, your toes,
The way to touch my nose,
Your hands, your face,
The way you win every race,
Your eyes, your stance,
The way you say you can't dance,
Your arms, your chest,
The way you always look your best.
But above the rest, I love you best,
Because I know this love is a test.

~ Lia Rose 7/27/12

Loving Friend

You say you're here, but you're not.
You say you're here, but you haven't got
That mental pull, that emotional string
The one that has pulled me under your wing.
You may be smiling, but I know you'd rather be
With someone much different than me.
Your physical warmth is comforting when sent,
But when I think about it, I know you never said what you meant.
You meant to say: "Oh, loving friend...
You knew this would come to an end.
I'm ready to move on, so you should be, too."
"But I'm not, I'm not!" I'd scream back at you.

 ~ Lia Rose, 5/24/12

How Dear

I don't think we have much time left.
A year?
That may be all before we move away or move on.
A tear?
That's all that will show when I think of your face.
A fear?
Of never having to the love I know we both share.
Because there's no one more dear
In this world full of fear
And if one tear
Showed how much I care, I'd cry for a year
And admit that still those are not enough
To show you just how dear you are to me.

~ Lia Rose, 3/28/12

One Flower

One flower stands apart, 
One flower stole my heart, 
But I'll need it back if you want me
To move on from you, I plea.
It is my heart, it belongs to me,
But then you took it forcefully.
You love me not, or so you said,
So just get out of my poor head. 
Yet, then you pause and give a sigh,
Which lifts my spirits way up high. 
You grab my hand and whisper kind,
"I'll give you yours... if you give me mine."


~ Lia Rose, 2012

Being Unitarian Universalist

We are smart. We are really smart. Smart enough to use the word intelligent.
We love. We love more than you can even imagine. We love each other, we love anyone who wants to be loved, who needs to be loved. 
We smile. We smile because we know that it's the only way to get through these impossible times we call life. We smile because we know that sometimes all somebody needs to make their day better is a smile. A genuine smile. 
We laugh. We laugh until our faces turn red, and even then we continue to laugh. Telling a joke or making a silly face can cure any kind of sadness. 
We breathe. We breathe in each other's warmth and each other's sorrows, and exhale happiness to be shared by all. We breathe to relieve, we breathe to heal. 
We accept. We accept... We accept anyone and everyone who lives on our beautiful planet. Gay, straight, bisexual, transsexual, white, black, Russian, Swedish, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Pagan, EVERYONE. 
We are Unitarian Universalists, and we love you.

~ Lia Rose 4/5/12