It's All In Your Head

It's the mention. The pure mention of the thing. The thing that sets me off, irritates my brain, and scratches my soul. Uh oh. Oh no. I know that word or action will eat me up. I know it will come now, so I just wait.
It's the tingling. The uncomfortable tingling in the tips of my fingers and core of my stomach. Here it comes. I know this is it. This is the beginning of the process. It's just the beginning.
It's the flashes. The flashes that send me back to the worst cases. The worst times. The worst triggers, the worst attacks, the worst associations to this issue. They all flash through my head and make it hard to breathe. "It's all in your head..."
It's the pain. The pain in my stomach, the uncomfortable numbness. The worried eyes. The hot and cold flashes. The inability to sit still. Constantly worried, constantly tapping my feet, fidgeting my fingers, rocking back and forth. "It's all in your head..."
It's the seeking. The seeking for help from someone trustworthy. "I don't feel very well." Damn, I hate saying that. It just makes it worse. It's affirming the illness. Affirming the pain. But it can't be real. "It's all in your head..."
It's the remembering. Well, last time I actually got sick, I was wearing this. Last time, I ate this. Last time, I was shivering like this.Last time, my stomach did that. Last time, I slept on this side. "It's all in your head."
It's the accuracy. Wow, this feels real. This is it. It's happening. I don't know what to do. What can I do? "It's all in your head."
It's the resources. If I eat this, I will feel better. If I lay like this, the pain will go away. If I try to clear my mind, it will all go away. "It's all in your head."
STOP.
It's not real. It's all in my head. It's not the time. It's all in my head. It's because of that mention. It's all in my head. I'm fine. It's all in my head.
I'm fine. It's all in my head.


Some people handle anxiety better than others. Some people don't have it as bad as others. This is my process. This is what happens and goes through my head. It's what keeps me up at night. It's what constantly worries me. Some people have anxiety attacks based on traumatic events, social anxiety, or obsessive compulsive. I have my attacks based on a phobia. I have emetophobia, which is the fear of vomiting. It may sound stupid, but this anxiety has eaten me alive. It's the littlest mention or thought of the thing that sets me off. I've gotten better, but it was really bad for a while. It was happening on a daily basis. I mean, I'm afraid of a normal bodily function. It's hard to not hear about it.
I hope you never have to deal with anxiety, because it is truly terrifying. Your brain can do crazy things. It can make the pain feel so real.
But it's not. It's all in your head.

~ Lia Rose 3/27/13